I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
