first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
