onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize