I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
