D3 body, D1 cock
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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