Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Your cock deserves a montage
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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