I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
