I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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