I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
