So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
