There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
