Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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