Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
don't judge my taste in strippers
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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