Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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