Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
