if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
