hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm at about main and main street
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
