Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
