Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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