hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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