I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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