this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
