so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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