Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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