i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
