Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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