I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
