my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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