i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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