I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
