Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
