and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
