My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
