I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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