you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
