sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Gay?
German.
Pity.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
