I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
A bitchslap is in order.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
