There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize