You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
