I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
