so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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