Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
