She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
