I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize