he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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