I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
sarcasm needs its own font
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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