if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
