We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
