girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
