i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
