My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
