If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
