Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
