Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
