you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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