Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
