Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
