Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
