Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
