I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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